Rakkety

I like to watch when people’s smiles begin to change when their eyes don’t hold the same lightness the corners crinkle down a little like they are too heavy to hold up in the photos. Tension in the lips is tension in the body the mind, it is just too hard to pretend for the snap snap click for that moment, millisecond. did you make a mistake? (it's okay) But things are okay, they are always fine, always fine and dandy.

what is time and how do we measure what comes between one second and another and what world we are living in or how long we are dreaming? what are the varying degrees of waking up sad and why is it so damn hard just to go to the post office and drop off a letter and what is a calorie and why does it fucking matter so much. and I am trying to define what is a friend or more than a friend and why can’t you hear me asking you to stay a little longer on the phone with me

 I am sitting with the uncomfortable and it is rather unsettling.  It is difficult to balance caring too much and caring too little, what should matter and what should not matter so much, categorizing and compartmentalizing things into boxes some wrapped in caution tape others too fragile to just lift the lid and peek inside. sometimes I think the anxiety is going to kill me. other times it seems alright, for a minute, a second, a song lyric. or it might be the hollow empty space that makes your chest feel heavy and everything around you is a dull thudding vibration and it's strange not being able to feel the sun. even drinking tea is hard.